[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
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This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Lmao
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.