i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
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Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
What a website
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda