Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
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Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
😂😂😂
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?