What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
You Might Also Like
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.