This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
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How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.