[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
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I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up