Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
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I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.