[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
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My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Möther may I have a snäck
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣