I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
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Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.