If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
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Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.