gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
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Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue