6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
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tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place