Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
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I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
are there any atheist mantises?
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Finally! 😈
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water