Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
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My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Thrilling chase underway
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.