Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
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Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*