You Might Also Like
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Safety first
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot