Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
You Might Also Like
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.