My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
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FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
i spent way too long on this
…..pretty much.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
You wish you had this many chins.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.