My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
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This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂