My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
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To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.