When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
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Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Y’all ready for this
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Pigeon open mic night.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.