I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
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me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Always
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Mouse
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.