Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
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Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.