Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
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Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.