Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
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Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.