Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
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Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again