My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
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Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.