Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
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God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman