me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
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“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
#Caturday
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
All excellent questions
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
my friends when i can’t do basic math
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister