AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
You Might Also Like
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people