remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
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Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
The prophecy is fulfilled
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
How all things should be taught/explained.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.