Oh yeah that’s it
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Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
I need to update my racial profile.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
no one ever comes back
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see