Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
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They must have gotten it to go.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.