We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
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My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
My last name is Zilla.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
satan: not today, microsoft teams
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.