8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
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Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.