“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
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~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.