where the womens at?
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Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
I’m pretty like a car crash.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
My wife has the worst taste in men.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.