Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
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It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
choose your gary
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
same energy
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.