Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
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[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Duolingo getting serious.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away