Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
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Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.