That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
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I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
You can’t rush stupid.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup