In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
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[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
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daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.