Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
You Might Also Like
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
How funny!
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
#SaturdayBears
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit