Only 10 more days til Halloween!
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Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.