Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
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The first matador
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math