Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
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can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.