tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
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One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Job interviewer: “It says on your rĂ©sumĂ© that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷‍♀️
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.