[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
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Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own