Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
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My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.