How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
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You’re the water to my grease fire.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no